It’s a hard thing to admit when your behavior is toxic. It’s even harder to not let the guilt of it disarm your own self-love.
This is what I stared in the face a few days back going through a very challenging day as a mother. Yes, we all have these days I know. Whether you are 2 or 33, it doesn’t matter, it’s the humanness of us, the ability to experience and get swept up by an emotional rollercoaster. And on this particular day, with it came the realization that I was actually the one leading the radioactiveness. I was being the hub of negativity and was charged to bump against those others in my environment and then burst. Angry and yelling, not that consequences weren’t called for, but crossing that line of being overly reactive where all involved were made to feel like crap and suffer for it; myself included.
So what’s the point? Why is it ever beneficial to get your ass reamed or to raise your voice up a notch to the point where it’s not even recognizable as your own voice anymore? Who is benefiting here?
One could argue that putting a little bit of fear into someone can have an offsetting affect to get the result you want. But isn’t that kind of the “old” way of doing things? Using fear like a power to gain a false sense of the situation being handled when really it’s just establishing a breeding ground for other little bits of negativity to develop like withdrawal, resentment, anger, and of course lets not forget shattered pieces of self-esteem.
Isn’t the “new” way supposed to be based in love and compassion? There is such a thing as tough love and it doesn’t necessarily mean screaming your head off at someone. It means being firm, clear in your boundaries and consequences, and following through.
In this particular moment of seeing myself as radioactive, toxic to all in my environment because I was having a bad day, enlightenment came through and granted an awareness to choose better. To be empowered by the choice to move forward, one day at a time, and to consciously choose to show up better than what I had. In the end my behavior had helped no one. It dragged me through anger, argument, and then tears, but also somehow through its grace it let me see me, and accept me, and then offered an opportunity to start anew.
Isn’t that one of the most amazing things about human beings? Our ability to start over no matter the depths and the losses we have endured. Whether it be addiction, violence, crime, or other mistakes made, or even just a maddeningly bad day at home with the kids, the human spirit is so strong and can rise above all when conscious choice is made to do so.
Reflecting now on that feeling of being toxically radioactive, maybe there is some deeper truth to be pondered here. Maybe we all are radioactive in a sense, emitting that which radiates from us whether it’s anger, fear, peace, or love. Radioactively sending out waves of energy that indefinitely affect those around us. Perhaps the bigger lesson here is to learn to radiate in such a way that it changes that which is in our environment for the better.
We can use the conscious power to radiate from a positive state and that supports all that we radiate to and in turn can bring about profound positive changes. It is in this way that we can be positively radioactive and co-create within our world by being the change we wish to see.
I’m radioactive, how about you? 😉